I’ve had one foot in the door and one foot out for a while, trying to keep everyone outside of my smallest inner circle completely in the dark.
It was less about keeping a “secret” and more about keeping up my internal charade. I’ve always believed myself to be a true California girl, not just born and bred but also believing that to my core, it’s where I belonged. I mean, the Katy Perry song is fun and all… but California isn’t just Palomas on the beach and sunny skies to me.
I remember my family moving briefly from the golden state to the Pacific Northwest when I was young. The sheer joy I felt when they told me less than a year later that we were moving back to Southern California is something I will never forget.
So when my husband and I decided to pack up our belongings, follow my family, and move out of state and under the wide-open skies of the desert… I didn’t quite absorb how real it all was until we signed the papers and put the down payment on our new home.
To be frank, I’ve been battling waves of homesickness for a place that hardly felt like home anymore anyway. I played shut-in for two years, was tired of renting, and knew that the financial burden of living there was only growing. We had big goals for ourselves, and they seemed to be getting further away with each passing year.
I spent the past few months preparing for the big move – regularly reminding myself of all the logical reasons moving was the wise decision for us to make. But it didn’t help to quell the heartache I felt once we left.
I’m not a big believer in living “somewhere, forever”. This is a bit contradictory to most home-buyers, but what can I say… I’m a nomad at heart. The longest place I’ve ever lived anywhere was the past eleven years in San Diego. And during those eleven years, I lived in 6 different places in the area! So I suppose it’s natural that I should feel a little heartbroken.
The question “what is your long-term plan for your new home?” is one that’s been popping up a bit, and it earns the same answer I give when people ask, “when are you having kids?”
I don’t know. The confidence I once had in a very specific future is no longer as clear as it once was. The notion of “impending doom” saturating every aspect of day-to-day interactions with others, the media, entertainment, etc. has definitely done a number on me. I’d be lying if I said I’ve kept a level head about everything.
But I’m working very hard internally to turn that mindset around.
What I do know is that new projects and goals are the first steps to curing PLOM. (Poor Little Old Me Syndrome, coined by my late friend Skip Ross).
For starters, I’m writing again after a long hiatus and hoping to complete a rough draft of my large fiction WIP (from 2013!). I’m also excited about honing some baking skills and making some pretty creations over on @queeniebakeoven. The new kitchen has a double island, and I want to work that to my advantage for sure. I’m working on some podcast production for my day job and my husband & father’s joint podcast – The Wolf & Bull. I have been drawing up what I think would be the perfect honeymoon (we never took one!) and I’m working on being a more open and inviting person in order to hopefully make some new friends in the area.
If you’re someone who’s made a big move to a place you didn’t know anyone or where anything was… your advice would be so much appreciated! Goodness gracious, I can use all the advice I can get.
Feeling a little bit like a fish out of water… maybe literally.
I think the biggest reminder I can carry forward with me is that home is where you make it. And while I don’t know exactly what the future holds, I do know that home is anywhere I want it to be.